in this world (we search for happiness)
by sashasbum
Summary: One shot. Helena returns home, unaware of Myka's condition, and decides that this is the time for the conversation they've been avoiding for so long. Sorry if this seems vague when you read! Best I could do :/ From a prompt I was given on Tumblr. It ran away with itself though so beware of the angst and pain that comes with most things related to this ship. Happy reading!


**A/N: Hellohello! I am back. This came from a prompt on tumblr from styrofoamtokyo which was "The first time Myka and HG kiss and say 'I love you.'" Now, I asked for an "emotional" prompt and then this sort of...ran away into the world of angst and pain (according to Giovanna anyway :P). So, there is angst. This is set after Instinct is all I can really. The cancer storyline is a part of this though, I'm sorry. Urm, so yeah. Read. Enjoy? (maybe) and let me know what you think? Sorry for any mistakes!**

**You can thank Steffi for the title! Because I'm crappy and she's bloody awesome at that stuff. Sorry if it seems vague to the actual fic though :')  
**

**And thank you to Giovanna for being my beta! Still, any mistakes are all on me though (mainly because I then didn't change much :/ sorry!)**

**Disclaimer: if I owned it, I wouldn't cry over the fact that I've never met Joanne Kelly now would I?**

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You hadn't known she was back. You'd been at the hospital and with Pete visiting his mother (you hadn't told him about this appointment because you knew he wouldn't go and he needed to, he needed a break from your hell) nobody rang you. Not that they didn't think you'd care, they knew you would. A lot. But they didn't know if you doing something important and something like this would have distracted you, caused you to be completely focused on just getting home and seeing her.

So when you got home, exhausted and aching from what you had gone through, you headed straight for your bedroom. You didn't even hear the noise in the living room, everything was blocked out and your focus set on the door you could barely see from the bottom of the stairs. You faintly remember a door opening but you didn't pay it much attention. Whoever it was would probably not even notice you there. You were just past the top, almost at your sanctuary when you heard it. Her voice. The voice that you'd been imagining for weeks, whilst you sat on those tables and had doctors prod and poke at you. The voice that kept you sane going through this. At first, you thought you were imagining it. But then you realised; it was stronger, but so soft, so vulnerable, more dominant and so full of emotion that even your well read mind could not have caused it.

x

"Darling?"

You jump, having been stood there for at least a minute lost in your thoughts. You breathe deeply, not daring to turn around in fear she'll disappear. "H...Helena?" Your voice cracks. You hear her sigh and can imagine that little smile she gets, growing on her face. You know she loves it when you call her by her full name, that it makes her feel cared for, at home. It makes her feel like she belongs. You realise she'll always be Helena to you, that she'll always belong where you are, if she chooses to. A slight smile inches it's way onto your face as well. "Are you...back?

She hesitates and you almost turn around, but you don't, still too scared of her disappearing, too scared that she isn't back, at least not for good and you don't want her to see your face if you find that out.

"Yes." She's closer and you can hear the creaks of the floorboards accompanying her words. "I'm back."

"For good?"

She chuckles, right behind you. A moment passes and then you feel her hand, reaching its way around your arm and squeezing it and you feel all the emotional stress that's still lingering from the past few weeks just, disappear. "For good, yes." You gasp, jaggedly, and you realise that you're crying. Deep down, you were so sure that she would say no. That before you knew it, she'd be gone all over again. But she isn't, she isn't leaving this time. And that fills you with so much joy that your heart feels ready to burst and you feel as though everything is finally falling back into place. But then you realise, everything is falling _apart_. And this is going to make it all crash and burn so much quicker. She's another person to have to watch _you _leave, who is going to be there when everything goes to hell. And the tears come more freely as you realise how much more you are now going to miss.

"Darling, wha...I'm so sorry, what did I do?" You realise you're scaring her and you feel her pulling on your arm trying to get you to face her, but you stay how you are because you know, looking into her face, into those eyes would break you. She would break down all of your walls that you have worked so hard to keep everyone out of. "Myka. Look at me, please?"

You shake your head. A 'why' comes out between sobs. You need to know why she's back. You need to know if you were a part of that, because she deserves to be happy, with someone who will always make her happy and you think you can't be that person for her.

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep living that lie. You were right Myka, I did not belong there, that wasn't me. I was trying to be something I'm not and I was running away from what I am, from _who_ I am. I was trying to make myself love a man because he has the most amazing daughter. I was making myself love someone, I shouldn't have been loving." You can hear her crying too, not as loud as you are though, gently. "I should have been loving someone who has always loved me. Even through my darkest times. I should..."

"Don't." You interupt her, turning around abruptly and pulling away from her. You refusing to look at her, can't look. "Don't say it. Please! Just don't." Your shaking your head, but that doesn't stop her from putting her fingers under your chin and coaxing you to look her in the eyes. Tears are running freely down your face and you don't bother trying to cover it up. You bite your lip to stop the quivering.

"No Myka. I've been not saying it, for far too long. I love you Myka Bering."

"No you don't. Please Helena, you don't love me. You can't."

She scoffs, not understanding why you're acting like this. "I can and I do. I know I messed things up with everything to do with Nate, but I do Myka. I'm sorry it took me so long to say so but _I do._"

You wish she would stop talking, because you know she thinks she's helping but really, everything is just getting so much worse. Because you know she loves you, with everything she has, and you know she always will and that makes all of this so much worse, knowing that what you're about to say is going to break everything, break her. You back away from her, can't bear to feel her skin against yours. "No. Stop, please. Please just...stop talking." Her face falls. You can see the doubt growing within her already and you don't want to make her feel like that. But is knowing the truth any better?

"I'm sorry, I thought..." She stops, the emotion becoming too much for her. You see the tears flow more ferociously down her face now. She hugs herself, as though she is going to physically fall apart and you feel yourself breaking at the sight. You wish you could wrap her up and tell her everything is okay, but you can't because it isn't and you wish she didn't have to know. "I guess I should leave then."

And she turns and begins to walk away, but you can't stand it. You've walked away from each other enough. "Stop." She needs to know.

It comes out painfully and your voice cracks, everything that you are about to saying weighs on that one word. She does as you asked, and faces you. But she doesn't move from her position at the top of the stairs. You're standing a few feet apart, but it feels like miles and even though you originally moved away from her, you wish she was close again. "I'm sorry Helena, but I...I..."

"I understand Myka. You don't feel the same, I was mistaken. Let's not dwell it on shall we?" You can hear her trying to hold in her emotion, trying to show that she isn't falling apart inside.

"No. Helena, I..I do. I...I love you too." You look at her face and you see the confusion. You have made this smart, beautiful woman not understand a thing that is happening and that breaks you, because she is HG Wells and she is doubting herself, doubting what she thought she knew and because you know that this is only the beginning of what she is going to have to go through. "But you can't. You _can't_ love me because...because.." You fall to the ground, sobbing as you think about everything that is happening to you.

"Myka!" She calls as you fall, but you barely hear it over your own cries. She grabs you and holds you tight, like she's never going to let you go. And you hold her there too, never wanting her to leave either and never wanting to say what needs to be said. "Myka, what is the matter?"

"I..." You can't get out the words and holds you tighter, whispering reassurances in your ear. Reassurances that she isn't going to leave, that she loves you no matter what, that she's here for you. "Helena." You whisper to her and she moves, sitting in front of you and looking you directly in the eye. Looking at you with such love as she wipes your tears away and soothes you with her touch. "I'm so sorry Helena."

"You have nothing to be sorry for Darling."

"No I...I do. You told me you loved me, that you want to be with me and all I can think of is this future I could have with you. You and me, growing old together, solving puzzles and saving the day. Becoming Mrs Bering-Wells. The typical American dream with the house with the white picket fence. The 2.5 kids if you ever want them and a dog of our own. I never wanted that until you. I was always focused on my job, I didn't care for anything else. But you made me care for it, made me want it. And now...I can't have it." She looks at you, her eyebrows creased and utterly confused, but trying to put comforting you above all else.

"What are on about Myka? Of course we can have it. We can have it all. I'll have it all with _you_. It's okay to want it, I want it too, I want to be with you more than anything else." And then you're kissing her. Or she's kissing you. You just remember pulling her closer and then your lips were against one another, lightly pressing against the other as though you may shatter. And then she's pressing into you, harder, making you feel so loved, so wanted and you can't believe that it took you so long to admit this to each other, that _now_ is when you're finally talking about it.

You pull away, slowly, not wanting to separate from her yet. But the need for air, among other things, means you have to. You rest your forehead against hers and hold her tight against you. And you know what you have to do now, what you have to say, but you cannot think of any way to tell her other than just saying it, so you do, before you chicken out.

"I'm dying." It's barely a whisper, but she knows the exact moment that Helena realises what she's said. Her entire body tenses and you see the smile disappear. She pulls away to look at you, to see if you're serious and when she realises that you are, she's speechless. "I have Cancer. Ovarian. It's...it's not looking good."

"This morning, were you...?"

"Yeah. They think it's too far advanced, that I might not make it."

"But...but you were fine. You were in Wisconsin not that long ago, how...you were fine." She can't believe what you're saying and you can't blame her. You were the same when you found out. You just reach for her and pull her into your arms and she crumbles, and finally understands why you said that she can't love you, why you tried to _not _be with her. She weeps into your shoulder before trying to regain herself and be strong for you. You just smile at her, slightly teary, but ultimately just thankful that she is here at all, even if you are trying to push her away.

"So you see, we can't be together Helena. I can't put you through that."

"Myka..."

"You know what happened with Christina, I can't be the cause of a repeat. I can't make you feel that way again. I saved you the first time, I stopped you but I won't be here to be this time. So I cannot let you go through this. I cannot let you lose me too."

"So don't. We will fight this Myka, we will save you!"

"I could still die Helena! Even if I fight, I could still die."

"I don't care Myka. I don't care, I love you and I will stick by you through all of this. Through sickness and in health and all of that nonsense, I will always be there for you. I'm not letting you do this alone." You stare at her, completely spellbound by the look in her eyes. She is completely serious, but you cannot stop thinking about what will happen to her if, when you're gone. "Stop thinking Myka. If you do,...you do and we can't help that. But I'm not going to stop loving you because of this."

And right then, you realise you don't care what happens. As long as you have Helena with you, even if it isn't for long, you can do it. You don't care that you're still sitting on the landing, crying and wrapped around each other as though you're connected by a short, fragile thread. You bring her lips back to your own, with more strength this time, knowing exactly what you want. You're going to start living now, you're not just going to give up. And you're going to fight. You and Helena. Bering and Wells. Solving puzzles and saving the day, saving _your_ day.

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**A/N: There you go! I hope you liked it! See you next time my muse remembers to help me out! :)**


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